Monday, June 20, 2005

You got a D+

Fancy that, actual law-related items on a law blog. I've spent some time tentatively planning out next year's schedule, and I thought I'd share my choices for any who'd like to buddy up to me in class next year.

I hope this course is as cool as it sounds. I imagine the syllabus is split up into such sections as Bloody Daggers, Fingerprints, Paper Trails and Smoking Guns. You discuss the relative advantages between the D’Onofrian style of evidence-gathering, i.e. investigating the underlying psychology of a situation, versus the Bruckheimerian mode, whereby crime is solved by zooming into things really, really far.

Sample exam question:
If the glove don’t fit, you must _______:
a) Acquit
b) Tailor it
c) Flee down the expressway

Commercial Transactions
The name of this class sounds deceptively simple, which makes me think it's going to be incredibly hard. Take the short, simple-sounding word "law," for example.

Sample exam question:
If Sam buys three apples for four dollars, and sells them to Janey for one dollar, how many years in prison for violation of anti-dumping laws is Sam liable to serve? Show your work.

I haven't seen the documentary The Corporation, but I assume the film - written by UBC Professor Joel Bakan - had nothing but praise for these commercial entitites. As such, I wanted to enrol in this class and share the happiness.

Sample exam question:
Choose the non-evil corporate prefix from the list below:
a) Mc-
b) Wal-
c) Star-
d) Mom &-

Another required course, but probably not so bad to learn. I think most Canadians take for granted the fact that we have a constitution, or conveniently overlook it when it doesn't suit their agenda.

Sample exam question:
If a treasure-map were inscribed on the back of the Canadian Constitution, how bad would the resultant film be?
a) Very bad
b) Craptacular
c) Sub-
d) What
Variety calls "an enjoyable romp!"

International Law
I imagine if there were an Indiana Jones for the lawyer set, he would study this instead of archaeology. I’ve been told there is really no such thing as an international lawyer, it’s just merely a facet of the work typically involved in corporate law. Dammit, I was seriously going to look into this Indiana Jones-type occupational deficiency.

Sample exam question:
If a plane crashes on the U.S.-Canadian border, where do you bury the survivors?
a) They're survivors, you don't bury them
b) Under piles of legal bills as they use your lawerly services to try, but ultimately fail, to get compensation
c) The answer is b)

Intellectual Property
This is the "hip" subject in law. Naturally, I downloaded it months ago.

Sample exam question:
Intellectual property law has been described by experts as:
a) A critical new field of law
b) Necessary in the modern age of globalization
c) A lucrative opportunity for enterprising lawyers
d) An enjoyable romp!

Because, of life's two certainties, I'll opt for this one sooner. I suppose this class teaches us how lawyer bills charge you GST, PST and LST, the Lawyerly Sticking-it-to-you Tax.

Sample exam question:
What kind of candy is best offered to Revenue Canada to avoid an audit?
a) Peppermints
b) Werther’s Original
c) Uncle Sam’s Money-coated Dollarcandies

Advanced Criminal Procedure
One of the crown jewels of my tentative schedule. Criminal Law has some of the best cases to read, and it's the closest I'll get to being Sherlock Holmes. Granted, I'm working with evidence that's already been discovered, criminals who've already been apprehended, but no one can take away my pipe and hat.

Sample exam question:
For each police detective, indicate whether the individual is a good cop or bad cop:
a) Beverly Hills Cop
b) Kindergarten Cop
c) Beverly Hills Cop III (featuring George Lucas)
d) Cop and a Half

Conflict of Laws
I’m taking this one on the advice of a professor, which sounded like an interesting look into how jurisdictions solve hazy questions of what law applies where. Or, alternatively, who blames who when a chainsaw-wielding maniac covered in blood traipses across a national border. I don't know about you, but I saw through red paint
all the time.

Sample exam question:
Q: What is this course called in the United States?
Conflict? What Conflict? You train with an elite covert squad aimed at violently supplanting local legal custom with American-style heroics.

International Law Problems
With luck, this will be my seminar. It investigates human rights issues, legal conflicts between nations, and I'll have to come up with a song and dance presentation instead of a final exam.

Sample paper topic:
In twelve pages, describe why John Grisham is a terrible writer. To begin your paper, attach twelve pages of any Grisham novel.


Anonymous said...

Finalement! Signe de vie! Et moi qui te croyais noyé ou accroché à un arbre en quelquepart essayant tant bien que mal d'échapper aux ravages du Elbow! Eh bien, je vois que tu n'y penses même pas...une innondation incroyable ne te distrait même pas de ton choix de that's motivation.

Anonymous said...

You have not seen The Corporation yet? Ryan - I am extemily disappointed. Stop blogging and rent it this weekend.


Anonymous said...

The corporation is overrated - largely alarmist and anecdotal, it rarely calms down long enough to provide the critical and substantiatial discussion so desparately needed.


p.s Man! You are famous! I had no idea - love the photo.